Oh those holidays..

Thanksgiving the one time of the year where we are to give thanks.... While I am thankful for my mom living with us ~ we know where she is, what is going on, that she is eating, etc. I am not so thankful she lives with us...
The thoughts live in the back of my mind ~ if she wasn't here I could go see my son's family in Tennessee, I could go to Michigan and see my daughter's family, I could go to Corpus and see my son & his girl. I could go see my Peep who had to cancel her trip (which I totally understand)
I could go anywhere...
So Wednesday while having my very own pity party I became a total bitch. Whipping around the house cleaning like a fool, dusting, vacuuming, finishing up making candy & to top off my mood the damn dog jumped up on the sink next to me apparently looking out the window..... (I later found out the hubby does that with her upstairs as they look for squirrels).
Hubby comes home from a hard work day.. I burst into tears demanding she moves out, I told ya, pity party... He let's me go on for a bit as he stands across the room. He finally says ok and goes upstairs.. (Didn't help my attitude gotta say).
I made grilled cheese and soup for dinner, I wasn't hungry so I kept puttering around the kitchen. Doris kept making jokes about needing to eat to keep up my strength for all the cooking... She finally caught on & just ate.
A couple hours later after a long nap, I felt a lot better. I was able to put things back in perspective. I told hubby, you didn't even hug me when I melted down. He replied it was safer to stay away from you. He was right....
The holidays are hard both for me and Doris. She is remembering my father, her parents, people who are gone, people who won't talk to her (oh yea she has no idea why & doesn't remember she said things she shouldn't had said over 3yrs ago)..She's concerned she doesn't have money to give presents to everyone she wants to.
We look forward to Christmas because my daughter's family is coming & they are picking up the Tennessee grandkids too.. At some point the Corpus son and girlfriend will be visiting too.
This is the first year all of my kids and their families won't be together for Christmas.. I will even miss the silly great dane dog that comes with them.
But it's all going to be ok. I will make this the best Christmas I can. I will consciously change my attitude and put myself in Doris' place. I will quit feeling sorry for myself since I've it doesn't help anyhow...
Christmas is family however the most important thing about Christmas is celebrating Christ's birthday. Without God my life would be worse than I think it is now. He is in control of all things. He has his plans which trump my plans..
So today I will put on my big girl panties and suck it up. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Today I will decorate the tree (hopefully with some help).
I will start my count down to my trip to Michigan (in the winter brrrr), I will get respite care for Doris quit stalling and say I will do it and do it...
I will be thankful I still have my hubby, all my children & grandchildren. I need to keep in my mind Doris won't always be here. I have many friends whose moms have died. They yearn to talk to their mom just one more time.
Life is as hard as you make it....